Lesbian Visibility Week 21st April – 27th April
For Lesbian Visibility Week this April, I’m going to make a very bold statement.
I think that women who have come out as queer – whether that be lesbian, bi-sexual, or trans – later in life are generally bloody happy! We’ve tried it the other way, and we have found that acceptance of being queer leads to much better things. To more fun. To fulfilment. To happiness!
I came out at 60, after always assuming that I was at least mostly straight! I married two men and was in a relationship with one of them for over 30 years. Many of those years were happy, and I genuinely have some lovely memories of our time together. By comparison, however, I’m now ecstatic!
I knew from my early 30s that I was attracted to women (massive crush on Nana Visitor, who played Major Kira Nerys in Star Trek Deep Space 9!) but I didn’t see it as something to be pursued – after all, I was in a committed relationship, I had kids, and responsibilities!
Plus, it wasn’t the ‘acceptable’ thing to do!
As I got older, though, the desire for a relationship with a woman grew, and when my marriage began to crumble (during lockdown!) and then I found myself living alone, it became more urgent.
And so, very early last year, I decided to be ‘that person’, and I told close family and friends that I wanted a relationship with a woman – and that I no longer wanted that type of relationship with a man. I sought out gay women socially and was soon introduced to a Facebook group for lesbian, trans, and bisexual women in the West Midlands, which I nervously joined.
Did I hit paydirt that day!
The group has been a lifesaver! I found total acceptance amongst a community of women who have absolutely got each-others’ backs! Supportive advice. Empathetic hugs. More laughs than I’ve perhaps had in a lifetime before. Hilarious nights out. And fabulous friendships with amazing women who accept me as I am.
And that’s the key, I think. Authenticity and acceptance. Being able to be completely yourself unashamedly.
One of my friends in the group, Jacqui, told me that coming out was hard but “when I did …., I felt such relief that I could finally be the true authentic me”. I know that I feel a freedom I didn’t know was possible now that I’m living as an openly queer woman and completely agree with Jacqui – there is a sense of relief that comes with coming out later in life, that can only lead to feeling happier.
Sarah, another member of the Facebook group, told me “I found my courage came from the younger generation …. their acceptance of all the labels” when she came out after being with a man for 20 years.
I know that I too was emboldened by seeing younger people embracing different sexualities and genders with a candour unheard of when I was young – it didn’t occur to me to be anything but straight, such were the social bindings of heteronormativity, misogyny, and homophobia in the 60s, 70s and 80s – and even in the early 90s.
It’s different now. There has been a massive shift over the past 30 years or so, and we have seen increased LBGTQ+ visibility and representation across pretty much all aspects of life (not withstanding recent events in the USA). This is something that things like Lesbian Visibility Week has helped to achieve.
Embracing my real self didn’t feel as big a step last year as it would have done in my much younger years, which I am incredibly grateful of.
I have been incredibly lucky. I’m a year or so into my new life, and I have found a wonderful woman who loves my weirdness including my history – and has a similar history of her own (along with her own weirdness!) that I love back! (Hey, Jude xx) (sorry, not sorry!)
And, girl-oh-girl (!), am I HAPPY!!
By Sheila Edwards (she/her), Birmingham LGBT Business Development Manager
